A Portrait of a Plymouth State College Student

by Nathan Graziano

Be masculine. Be reckless. Wear a white hat. Eat cat food and drink beer. Be consciously like your friends. Lift weights because girls like guys with brawn. Make sure your hair is short. Make sure you wear a white hat with the brim broken in. Wear your hat frontwards or backwards, whichever your friends choose. Blend in with the crowd. Be judgmental of those who don't. Talk about football. Let girls revel in your plainness. They like guys who are plain with brawn. Wear a white T-shirt that makes a reference to partying. Make sure everyone knows that you drink beer. Grow a goatee. Hint alternative. Girls like guys who are alternative. Talk some more about football. Blend in with the crowd. Shave the goatee every three weeks. Hint versatility. Funnel beers at social functions. Make sure everyone knows you can drink beer and a lot of it. Chew Skoal. Kodiak is okay, but Copenhagen is completely out of the question. Grow the goatee. Make sure your hat's broken in. Have more than one white T-shirt with a reference to partying. Lift weights before you drink beer. Talk about football while you're dipping in the weight room.

Don't dance, get drunk first. Funnel beers to get drunk quicker. Dance only after midnight when the girls are drunk. Ask the deejay to play Pearl Jam, but only the songs you know the words to. Dance with the most drunk girl. Bump and grind. Sing Pearl Jam. Drink beer while you dance, of course. Wait until after midnight to get laid. Try and cop a feel while you're dancing with her. Get completely wasted so you have an alibi if it doesn't pan out. Scream Pearl Jam! Show that you're reckless.

Did I mention white T-shirts with references to partying? There really isn't any need. The PSC funnel team; Make sure it says that on the back of your shirt. Wear jeans. Criticize those who don't. Make sure you have a goatee. Only rebels have goatees. Girls like rebels. Smoke pot when you're finished lifting weights. Only smoke it in moderation. Get a white T-shirt that reads PSC bong team. Grow your hair long to show you're alternative. Talk about the universe when you're stoned. Laugh incessantly. Tell people you smoke pot, more than you actually do. Drink beer and stack the cans. Cut your hair short, only hippies have long hair. Keep the goatee. Hint alternative. Forget about the universe. Talk some more about football.

You can't be serious if you go to PSC. Major in business, because your friends are. Take classes that don't confine you to writing papers. School work disturbs your partying, there's no time for both. Call Mom and Dad for beer money. Tell them you need a tutor for accounting. Drink a lot of beer. Make sure it's Natural Light. Sleep through classes on Friday to insure you're amply rested to party. Pay five bucks at the doors of basements. Make sure Mom and Dad send that money. Talk about your feelings to girls when you're drunk. Hint sentiment and compassion. Dance only after midnight. Funnel beers while you're waiting. Take the most drunk girl home for sex. Make sure they're completely inebriated. Drink beer so you don't come too quick. Talk about sex with your friends-only after talking about football. Make sure you didn't leave your white hat in her room. The goatee doesn't look right without it.

Go through the four years. Make sure you avoid the hard classes. Look like your friends, but hint alternative. Make sure you don't know the meaning of avant-garde. It's not important to you anyway. Drink a lot of beer and screw more chicks than your friends. Wear a white hat. Hollow heads get cold easily in New Hampshire.