What To Say, And What Not To Say To A Friend Who Was Sexually Assaulted

When trying to support a survivor of sexual assault, try not to be judgmental or take control (even when we know a lot about sexual assault, we bring our own values and prejudices to all situations). A sympathetic ear can make a big difference in the recovery process.

The most important thing for you to remember is to communicate these four points:

"I'M GLAD YOU'RE ALIVE"
"IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT"
"I'M SORRY IT HAPPENED"
"YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD"

It is also helpful to remember these guidelines:

DO: Be a good listener.

Assist her in getting the help she needs and wants. This may mean providing phone numbers, information, transportation, etc.

DON'T: Give her advice or make decisions for her.

Remember that it is important for the survivor to make her own decisions, as a step in regaining control and overcoming feelings of helplessness.

DO: If the survivor feel guilty because she didn't fight back, tell her that fear often inhibits people, and that cooperation does not mean consent.

DON'T: Tell her what you would have done. Don't ask her why she didn't scream, yell, fight, run, etc.

DO: Try to minimize the number of times the survivor must tell the story of the assault.

DON'T: Prevent the survivor from talking about the assault if she wants to.

DO: Assure the survivor that it was not her fault, no one asks to be raped, no one deserves to be raped.

DON'T: Ask her if she did anything to "lead him on." Don't ask her what she was wearing. Don't ask her why she was walking alone at night or why she went out, etc.

DO: Help the survivor to know that this experience will cause a disruption in her life, but that she will recover.

Express support. Sometimes standing close to the survivor and conveying feelings by touch can be very comforting. This depends on your relationship with the survivor, use your intuition and be sensitive about this.

DON'T: Stare!
DON'T BLAME THE SURVIVOR